I hereby announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America.

I ask your support on Election Day, Nov. 3, because I am the only candidate who has not been attacked on grounds of lack of leadership and vision, or for being too slick or too sleazy. And I can assure you that, when I take on a job, I never quit -- especially after my supporters go all out to work on my behalf.

But let me get right to the point. Here's my platform:

* No new taxes.

* No old taxes.

* A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.

* My administration will maintain a strong defense; we will continue to be the No. 1 military power in the world without breaking the back of the budget.

* My administration will abolish the national debt entirely over the first 100 days of my administration; thereafter, I pledge significant surpluses in every other year of my administration.

* My administration will turn around the economy by eliminating unemployment, giving big tax breaks to the rich and big corporations so that jobs will not only trickle down but will flow like rivers to the nation's workforce.

* Anyone whose annual income falls below the poverty line will immediately become eligible for a $10,000 outright grant.

* We will push through legislation that will allow homeowners to deduct from their taxes not only mortgage interest, but also the amount paid on the prinicipal. Under this legislation, renters will be empowered to deduct their rent payments from their taxes.

* My administration will assure all minorities of unprecedented levels of representation throughout government, including the Cabinet.

One of our first steps after election will be to push through the Congress abortion laws that will please both pro-life and pro-choice. This will be followed by a Constitutional amendment.

If you like my platform, go to the polls and pull the lever with my name on it. Don't worry about party lines; I may not have coattails but I can promise you that if I'm elected I will keep every one of my promises -- and I won't ask you to read my lips, either.

Thank you for your support.

Note: Please see Page One for news of the real world.

This column was written for The Hour newspaper of Norwalk, Conn., as a "My View" on Oct. 17, 1992.